I wouldn’t call myself a genius by any means. To be honest, I don’t even know why I started with that. I’m disturbingly average in most regards. I write WAY too much. I’ve got a lot going on in my head. My friend suggested I start blogging, or making videos because some of the shit I say makes a lot of sense, in a sarcastic and semi-humorous/slightly depressing way. However, I would rather scroll through TikTok content than create it.
Anyway, I figured I’d start this “blog” out by being entirely honest. I make bad choices. I make the same mistakes repeatedly; have for years. I absolutely dive-bomb into situations I know I should entirely avoid even the idea of entertaining. But it’s fine, right? I’m fine.
Why do I do this? God only knows. I am definitely one of those people who breaks their own heart time after time. I let guys leave me and come back all the time, and end up having volatile and tumultuous multi-year relationships, but replace the “p” in the word with a “t.”
My most recent and, so far, influential “relationship” ended poorly (again.) After about 7 months of an off-and-on thing he left me. He was using dating websites and whatever else, but he left me because I snapped. Which was fair enough. He came back a couple months later, for a day, but that was it. I’m used to them leaving and coming back for years, so this experience was, if anything, wildly humbling.
I am also a person who holds onto people for WAY too long, and waits. I wait for a lot of things. Usually, I find myself realizing that I’ve wasted months and years of my life waiting for things to happen. Including these guys coming back to me.
On top of that, and just the tip of the iceberg (if you will,) I suffered wild trauma as a kid for a few years — ended up with a drop of PTSD along with BPD and daily medications to keep myself out of bed for days, weeks at a time. Therapy monthly (but I go once a year, then stop, and repeat that process) I have been cheated on, had my house burn down, have permanent nerve damage in my dominant hand, had meningitis in my twenties, have suffered random infections multiple times a year for the last ten years and most recently have been having biopsies to try and determine what is going on in my body.
So on top of my poor decision making, I’ve kind of just accepted that if “luck” exists, mine is subpar.
I’d like to establish a list of things that I’d advise other people to consider, because I sure as hell don’t. And things in my life would probably be a hell of a lot better if I did. Most of these are cliche, but they are cliche for a damn good reason.
- Don’t base your worth on how other people treat you. I spend weeks, months, years detesting myself because I allow men to treat me like I’m not good enough for them. They treat me this way and I let them convince me that I am, in fact, not good enough for them. And then when they leave, I hide. I am terrified to go out in the world and have everyone else see what they saw — and what I’ve distorted my perception of myself to be. You don’t deserve that shit. You are pure gold, baby. The only person who controls your worth is you.
- Making a plan is absolutely useless if you don’t follow through. Not only that, but it also makes you feel worse. Not only have you not done what you want to, but you feel lesser because you haven’t achieved what you potentially believed that you could. You wanna do shit? Then get off your ass, and actually do shit.
- You can absolutely wait for good things to happen, or you can go manifest that shit yourself.
- If you don’t care about and love yourself, no one else will. You attract the same energy you give off. Know how I know this? Because I often appear damaged and I attract damage. I don’t love myself and I attract insecure and broken people who are unable to love other people.
- The goal shouldn’t be to be happy. You can’t be happy twenty four hours a day, 365 days a year. The goal should be contentment and knowing that in spite of something going on, overall your life is pretty damn good.
- Take the chance.
- Whenever you’re feeling kind of shitty, look at where you were a year ago from whatever day it is. Were you worse off? Then appreciate how far you’ve come. Were you better off? Then figure out what the hell you changed and work to reconfigure and get back there and even better.
I’m not perfect, and these rules are, if anything, just a pipedream of somewhere I might be one day. But man, your life is only ever going to be as good as your perception of it allows it to be. So rework that shit and focus on things that fire up your soul and challenge you on a daily basis.
Wake up early. Make your bed. Don’t let people treat you like shit, and stop treating yourself like you deserve it.